When Fiction Hits The Spot

So this website is supposed to be devoted to contemporary fiction so I thought I’d write about a subject that seems to crop up in all types of contemporary fiction – sexuality. Okay, so sexuality is a BIG subject and I’ve only got a few minutes to type this before bed so let’s focus in on one aspect of sex that gets tongues wagging which is the G-spot. Now, in my (dubious) opinion, the G-spot would be more aptly named the Z-spot because I’ve heard on the grapevine that many women are prone to falling asleep or dying from boredom whilst their man is searching for it. (Especially if he’s also looking at the football results.)

Now I am not suggesting that all males are cack-handed at foreplay and finding the G-spot. On the contrary, I am sure there’s at least half a dozen men out there who know what they’re doing. And if any of you ladies know where they are please let the rest of us know and then we can all form an orderly queue.

To be fair to the male species, I admit it is well known that the G-spot is pretty elusive. Some say it doesn’t even exist. All I can say is that after having given birth to three strapping sons there’s more chance of me winning the lottery or losing half my body weight in a week than there is of finding my G-spot. My vagina is like a black hole. There’s probably a couple of lost spaceships up there. In fact, my gynaecologist once sent a search party up there to look for my cervix. Sadly, even though they were armed with flashlights and a week’s rations they didn’t find their way back for over a month.

You know, recently I’ve been wondering how I’m going to support myself in old age as writing books doesn’t pay and as I was a stay-at-home mum for years I’ve got zero pension. I’ve been trying to think creatively about how I can give my income a boost.

So far, all I’ve managed to come up with is hiring out my vagina as a backdrop for the next Star Wars movie.

I reckon if George Lucas filmed some really epic space battles in my vagina I could patent it and then make a pitch for the Star Trek movies as well. I could even set up my own stage production company. I’d probably call it Black Hole Productions.

Anyway, it’s time for me to hit the sack so to end this post on a positive note my advice is:

If you’re looking for your G-spot you might as well give up and eat a packet of chocolate chip cookies instead. It will be a lot more satisfying and you can put on your headphones whilst you’re eating them and block out the sound of your partner switching channels on the TV.

doctor obstetrician receives childbirth on white background
“One more take and I think I’ve got it!”
This post is brought to you by Jane Turley.

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